im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
