Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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