She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
