im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
