just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
