I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
