my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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