i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
