it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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