somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
