Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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