Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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