Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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