Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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