Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
