He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
