Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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