made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
