All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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