So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
