Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
