Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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