8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
