I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
