His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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