some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
