Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
