I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
