I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
