I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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