you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Im part way to drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
