I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
