Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
