Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
