Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
