god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
