we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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