It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
