I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
