My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
