I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
