we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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