he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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