I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he thought i was a dude.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
