the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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