Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
