bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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