She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This is my gift to your gina
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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