There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
