I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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